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The listings for the Kennedy Center in Washington features a playful dual-language performance and an improvised Shakespeare company. Curiously missing from the advertised schedule is Friday's global football draw, likely because it is a strictly closed-door event. Officials appear determined to prevent any uninvited attendees from darkening the doorstep at what promises to be an drawn-out, self-congratulatory spectacle where well-paid luminaries will doubtlessly repeat the well-worn platitude that "soccer brings together the world."

An A-List Hosting Team

This glitzy event is set to be emceed by television personality Heidi Klum together with small-statured US comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be gridiron legend Eli Manning on welcoming duty and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving reporter. Together, they will oversee a production that will certainly have British football fans nostalgic for missing the simpler, pomp-free days of former managers, Sir Bert Millichip, the FA tombola and a reliable fabric pouch of wooden, lottery balls.

Slated to last the thick end of three long hours, the show will feature a staggering agenda of lengthy speeches, overly sentimental highlight reels, pre-vetted jokes, famous faces, performances from artists with perhaps no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... finally, the actual World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Ceremony Duty

Included in those helping to carrying out the draw? NBA giant Shaquille O'Neal, ice hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all selecting numbered spheres under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Considering the vast, deep well of personality possessed by these ageing sporting legends, barring an armed security team crashing the event, it's hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive justification of FIFA's well-documented World Cup ticket price-gouging offered by an obsequious spokesperson is any sort of gauge. Upon being questioned if tickets should be more accessible for average fans, the response was vague. "In my view we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are aware of that," was the comment. "But listen, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," it was noted. The implication seemed to be that premium costs are acceptable when contrasted with other high-end items.

The Main Event

With 42 nations already secured a place for next year's tournament and six more due to join, there will be a genuine air of excitement once the preliminaries conclude and the actual draw begins. While fans worldwide wait with bated breath to see which three teams their particular country will play in the group stages, the anticipation will be nothing compared to that which comes before the reveal of the winner of FIFA's inaugural peace prize for "people who help unite people in peace through steadfast commitment and special deeds." Considering the draw is in Washington and the tournament is primarily in the United States, guesses about the recipient are ripe, though the hints are there.

"I have no worries at the moment. I was in contact with the chairman today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a real open, honest and realistic relationship. So regarding my position in that sense I have completely no concerns whatsoever" – a statement from a coach whose side on a five-game winless run, offering a textbook remark likely to be revisited should a dismissal occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the mention of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be asked to buy a Highland League club and bestow his name on it."
• "Going to local games in the past, when the answer was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "I stopped reading after nine words. 'Comprised of'! What was the thought process? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an extra official."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will certain performers come up with if a certain individual remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"